I'm not saying im addicted

You have to know yourself as a person.
You have to understand what are the ugly things about you that you don't want others to know or see, and embrace that.
Make it apart of you and not dismiss it as if it doesn't ecist because that leads to guilt and hatred.
For example, people who may be gay or bi- and do not agree with this sensation they're having. Will lash out or defend; based on how they are at a openly gay person or people.

If you dont embrace you for you fully, then it will be a facade you wear.

I brought this up because LAST NITE had to be the craziest experience I've ever had.
Another thing. I think I'm meant to smoke weed.
Not even on some crackhead shit where "I NEED it man!", but more or less smoke it to open my eyes even more to the shit that goes on around me.
I feel that if I was sober that night. I wouldn't have been able to see all the details of what was going on with my sister and my close friend. Not had been able to see how it could've been fatal.

Weed is officially my best friend.

Another thing.
My job I got the only life lesson on friday.
My boss is so deep. I wish her and my mother could have a conversations of the mind.
I wouldn't mind recording that and putting it on this blog for all to view.

I think I have a huge fascination or better yet deep love for those who can express themselves and stay by what they believe.
It is the most attractive trait of a human being.

Another thing. This blogging shit seems like too much work. For the lil appreciation.
I love to read others blog and that good shit. But its losing substance. Everytime I go check a blog we talking about the same shit.
Money Cash Clothes and Hoes.
I need a vaca from this shit.
..I think imma plan a blogger cypha.
Most ya'll on here smoke or drink or something so we should plan a trip together.
Wouldn't that be nice?

Nothing Last Forever.

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

[Bridge]
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

[Chorus]
Everyday
With every word whispered
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
And nothing lasts forever,
But be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

[Bridge]
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

[Chorus]
Everyday
With every word whispered
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
And nothing lasts forever,
But be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too
Reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you
Find somewhere to place
The blame,
But until then the fact remains...

[Chorus]
Everyday
With every word whispered
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Everyday
With every worthless word
We get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
And nothing lasts forever,
But be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

It Hurts.... but it may be the only way.

I wanted to find a song that best describes how i feel and
sums up what happened between me and you last night.
but I think you've heard all of them.

Honestly if you want to really know where I'm coming from and how I see things.
Listen to St. Elsewhere and The Odd Couple.

read those lyrics.

I know its hard
don't think I don't know that.
don't think I refused to understand you or where you were coming from.
you are a strong person.
you tried to hold it together even though it was falling apart.
you don't find that quality in many people.
but sometimes... when the pieces are shattered.
its best to leave them and move on with ourselves.
instead of staying and getting ourselves hurt in the process.

you were passionate about it.
because you spent so much time invested in it.
you were cheated out of this because of childishness among us.
I have no problem saying I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for how it all happened and I'm sorry I ended up hurting you.
but you don't believe that it was my fault.
or that you didn't hurt me any less.

I didn't believe we were one mind.
I felt like my individuality was being suppressed because of what one person wanted to do.
I couldn't make a move without notifying someone in the group.
I don't like people clocking my every move. I am my own person and I don't have to tell anyone what I do, when I'm doing it or how I'm doing it.
If I believe it won't benefit you, why say anything?
unless I feel like it is something serious, why bother.

when I say that I don't mean to say your unimportant.
that's just the kind of person I am.
you have to understand and not twist around what I'm saying to mean something else.
to mean a hidden message.
when I speak I mean exactly what I say.

I know why this happened.
and it was from awhile back that those feelings were vested.
they were already there and the time came to let them out.
but instead of saying the real reason.
it was blamed on a boy.
point blank.
everything centered around him.
why?
you were my friend.
I wouldn't do you like that.

why didn't you just come to me
that day?
why didn't you just say hello??
whatever you had to do why didn't you just come to me that day.
you never told me, when it happened
how u felt
so I didn't believe I was doing anything wrong
[and i still don't]
I wasn't aware that my actions had hurt you.
because it was said to me in the form of a joke.

believe me when I say this.
I believe in you. I believe you can become something great
I believe you are a true person and a passionate person
someone worth the time of another who will love you deeply with no inhibitions.
don't be scared to let go.
letting go helps us grow and change.
change isn't overrated.
how can we evolve into the person we are meant to be if we continue to hold onto
things that become damaging?

its hard to.
but I've learned that nothing last forever.
every thing must change.
willingly or not.
you cant force change because then it becomes premeditated.
in the back of your mind your always saying "I have to be different"
just let things flow, know when its time.

I truly missed you.
and you were more than special to me.

I put it on everything.
I know you will be more than what you think your meant for.

Love Always...
Sasha.